My Relationship Mistakes

Listing some mistakes I learnt from past relationships:

1. Expect the other person to operate just like me. 

- If I am efficient and thoughtful, I would expect the other half to be just as efficient and thoughtful, if not more. 

- It is important to observe their words and behaviours to set new expectation.

- It is easy to say "adjust your expectation". In practice, it is very difficult to settle for less due to dissatisfaction.

 

2. The other person should fulfill all 4 criteria of consistency, care, competence and character.

- I tend to think I have all these qualities and therefore would expect someone of the same calibers. However, we all have flaws and weakness. Our strengths in one area could compensate our weaknesses in another area.

- The key is the willingness to work on our weaknesses. However, sometimes, it is not a change that can be expected overnight. Change takes time but effort can be noticed immediately. 

3. Values are not aligned. 

- On dates, it is actually mundane to talk about what happened during the day because this can be easily communicated over the phone. 

- Meeting face to face is an opportunity to connect on a deeper value, for example to align values. 

- A simple exercise will be to list out values that are most important to yourself and share the values with your other half.

4. Never talk about loving exchanges (3 categories but 6 ways in total, including giving and receiving in each category).

1. Gifts

- Giving with intention

- Receiving with gratitude

2. Conversation

- Listening without judgment

- Speaking with vulnerability

3. Food

- Preparing without agenda

- Receiving with presence

Ask your partner to figure out what their desired love language is:

- Do you want more time to share and connect? (conversation)

- Do you feel unappreciated? (gifts)

- Do you want more support? (food or other acts of service)

5. Have not learnt to love and understand myself

- It is only by understanding ourselves, that we can truly love and understand another person. For example, if you don't know your love language, how could you express it to your partner. No one is a mind reader.

- Until you understand yourself, you won't be ready for love. If you don't know what you want, you will send out the wrong signal and attract the wrong people.

6. Thinking sacrifice is required at all expense to have a fulfilling relationship

- In every relationship, you have the opportunity to set the level of joy you expect and the level of pain you'll accept.

- Holding on to the wrong person causes us more pain than letting them go.

7. Mistake attachment as love

- We imagine grasping and clinging that we have in our relationship is love whereas actually it is just attachment.

- Anyone who has entered your life has a part to play because you have spent time with them. Naturally, when they leave, there is a void, a sense of loss and loneliness. It is normal however, it shouldn't be the reason you live the rest of your life with someone you don't love. 

8. Be propelled by impulsion

- Our experience before this point has shaped our impulsion/choice of partner. Listening to our child's mind will make us attracted to people who aren't good for us but make us feel better in the moment. 

- Consider practicality and listen to traditional wisdom about who is the right match for you. 

9. Indulge in negative thoughts/doubts after an unsuccessful relationship

- I tend to reflect why a relationship I work very hard to build did not work out the way I expected it to. 

- Learnt the SPOT, STOP, SWAP method:

- Spot: Notice and be aware of your negative thought.

- Stop: Don't react to the negative thought but notice the pattern of the negative thoughts, eg when does it usually arise? Is the place/time/person who brings these negative thoughts on?

- Swap: Swap these negative thoughts with an empowering and uplifting alternative.   

Level of Trust

Trust is about intentions, not abilities. They might not be right all the time or handle every challenge perfectly. No one can be 100% competent. 

Trust means we believe that the person is being honest with us, that they have our interests at heart, that they will uphold their promises and confidences, and that they will stay true to these intention in the future.

Stages of trust

1. Neutral trust: No trust or expectation. Usually for people whom you first met. Don't mistake likability for trust.

2. Contractual Trust: Quid pro quo relationship. Built on the human tendency of reciprocity, eg. if I buy you a cake on your birthday, you buy me a cake on my birthday. No further expectation than that. 

3. Mutual Trust: Acting to help someone without an implicit agreement, out of goodwill. 

4. Pure trust: It has an element of reliability and consistency that the person always has your back, no matter what happens. 

Level 4 is obviously the top of the pyramid. Do not promote people to a higher level if they have not earned the trust, otherwise you will definitely be disappointed. 

Categories of Friends

My friends can be divided into 4 different categories:

1. Competence: Has the right skills to solve your issue. They are an expert or authority in their area.

2. Care: Cares for you, not your success.

3. Character: Has a strong moral compass and uncompromising values.

4. Consistency: Reliable, present and available when you need them.

An ideal partner is someone who can fulfill all the 4 criteria but it is almost impossible (never be so certain about things) to find that person. 

It is important to manage expectation in friendships. One should categorise your friends based on what they actually give you, not what you want them to give you. 

Similarly, other people can categorise you as a friend based on these 4 categories, therefore be attentive to what you can offer them. Most importantly, ask yourself: What can you offer first?

It is important to note that the role you play in someone else's life won't always match the role they play in yours. If you offer care to another person, it does not necessary mean the person should offer care to you in return. It could be consistency or competence depending on what the person offers. 

People can come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, so your lists of friends might expand or shrunk. Treasure every single one of them because permanence is never guaranteed (like every other things in the world). It takes effort to keep connected and build trust.  

How to Stay Grounded?

It's easy to get above yourself if you have tasted some success (by your own definition of course). It boosts your ego and self-esteem. However, one could have easily crossed the line to become arrogant and egoistic. Your success might be the start of your downfall if you don't stay grounded. This is when you stop listening to the advice of others, showing appreciation to the people around you because you reckon you are of a higher standard, grinding and improving. 

This is how I stay grounded:

1. Call my mum every day.

Calling my mum keeps me grounded because it reminds me of my identity as a daughter, It doesn't matter what I do at work. At the end of the day, I am a daughter, who should perform her daughter's duty. I could be saving lives at work, but when I return home, I still need to clean my own trash. It's these tasks which I love to do, that keeps me humbled.

2. Cook my own meals.

It's easy to get a meal these days by either walking a short distance or with the click of a few buttons. However, I love to cook my own meals (although not all the time) because it reminds me to take care of my health first before doing other important duties. Besides, it makes me happy that I am willing to put in some effort to save money by dining out less. There is some satisfaction for me to be willing to sacrifice time for money, on the premise that I am not short on time to do important work because this means I am still hungry to save money. I am not contented. 

3. Be grateful.

It's easy to be bitter about what you don't have when you want something really bad. It's easy to indulge in self-pity and be upset about it. However, you could look on the other side and see what you have. We are not entitled to anything and anything we "own" is temporary, including our health and life. Be grateful for being alive and being able to bless others every day you live. 

Being humble will keep you focus on the real goals you want to achieve in life. I am not talking about Roll Royce car, Rolex watch or Hermes handbags. I am talking about the health you want to maintain, the impact you want to make in the world, and the relationships you want to nurture. 

 

The Importance of Standard Precautions

While I was visiting a friend in the hospital ward, I met my professor in the hallway. He saw me wearing a mask, so he asked if I was not feeling well. 

This happened twice so far.

His response got me thinking. Why did he ask if I was sick? Why was that his first response? I started wondering if wearing a mask to protect yourself from infectious disease is unusual. However, it wasn't enough of a stimulus to stop me from wearing mask when I was in the hospital.

Recently I was recruiting a patient for my study. My professor reviewed his chest X-ray later and told me to wear a mask when I talk to him because he had atypical tuberculosis which can linger for a long time. The patient probably still has it. He added that atypical tuberculosis is not aggressively treated because of the lack of effectiveness. I told him I did wear one and I was thankful I did, not knowing that he has unresolved tuberculosis.

The moral of the story is two-fold. First, it is extremely important to wear protective gear especially in a high-risk environment like a hospital ward where everyone is ill. The risk shouldn't be taken lightly. Second, it is important to do what you think is right, despite being judged. It is alright to doubt yourself at times, but never let other people's judgment control your thoughts. 

Truth or Myth: Taping Windows during Typhoon

This post is to document my experience in Typhoon Mangkhut.

Unlike Typhoon Hato in 2017, I was out in the shopping district the day before the storm and what I saw inspired this post. One day before the storm where the weather was superb, scorching hot and humid, there was no sign of imminent disaster. In the evening, I started to see staffs taping "*" sign (bigger in size) or 米字on the windows of their shops using normal scotch tape. Shopping malls and shops that sell jewellery, watches etc are usually designed to have a large piece of glass windows to display their products. However, upon more careful observation, there were also shops which did not jump on the bandwagon. I was not sure if they were confident about the glass quality or they didn’t think the tape helped.

Immediately I realised it was to strength their glass windows to combat the imminent disaster. I turned to Google to learn what tape does during a typhoon. 

What I found surprised me. Contrary to popular belief, the tape will actually cause more harm than good. In the event that the taped windows break, they will break into bigger and more deadly shards. Besides, in reality, taping does nothing to strengthen windows. Would you prefer tiny shards of flying glass or giant shards of flying glass held together with tape? However, I think people are buying in on the assumption that giant shards of flying glass are unlikely to happen as they are relatively heavier than tiny shards, therefore taping them together may reduce the impact of the damage.

Luckily there were not any casualty. God bless Hong Kong!

Making a Difficult Decision

Happy New Year!

My mum taught me the first lesson of the year by teaching me how to reject an invitation for dinner.
Usually, an invitation for dinner is taken as a kind gesture.
However, it can be a plan to ask you for a favour in the future, taking advantage of reciprocity, basically.
Remember to think twice about attending an invitation for dinner. They mean more than what you think.

I have known to be soft-hearted in the family.
Sometimes, I care more about other people's feeling than my desire.
It is not entirely bad but it can put me in a very difficult position when making a decision.
What happened was I did not want to accept the invitation for good but the other party was insisting.
Our conversation reached a point where I thought I was about to give in to the pressure and my mum told me to reject once more.
I did as I was told but I felt really bad for doing that. I clenched my heart and declined once more. The other party did not respond after that. I was relieved.

The lesson is that in life you need to make difficult decisions for the long-term good, no matter how hard it is. 

If you are like me, soft-hearted, I suggest you use my method: count to 3, make sure you do what your mind and heart say. I am sure you won't regret it later.